i won't see you anymore...
and it frigging hurts like hell.
i've learned to love you.
how do i survive,
without you?

sabi ko naman dati, hindi malaking bagay sa akin ang maglipat at magligpit pero ngayon... ewan ko kung bakit pero hindi ko magawa ang umalis sa Cebu.

isang linggo ko na'ng sinusubukan magempake pero sa awa ng diyos, hanggang ngayon ay wala pa din akong naliligpit kahit isang gamit ko.

nilalagnat na nga ako eh. ayaw tanggapin ng katawan ko'ng sa linggo ay aalis na ako.

at kung hindi ba naman sadista ang mga kaibigan ko, gusto pa nila akong ihatid sa airport. malamang para makita kung paano ako humagulgol (hehe. biro lang)

tamang-tama ang kanta ni april boy (idol ni jet) sa sitwasyon ko ngayon...

"umiiyak ang puso ko't sumisigaw,
pati ang isip ko't damdamin ay humihiyaw"

hehehe.

ganito lang ako. pangiti-ngiti. sa totoo lang mabubuang na ako sa lungkot...

ngayon... pwede na bang umiyak???

how can someone you love so much hurt you without their knowledge?

i am so happy for him and i am so proud of what he's been able to prove.

i can not be happier.

i just wish i'm not this confused.

why do i feel like i'm the one who ruined everything? am i the right one? do i really make him happy? what if i'm only holding him back?

maybe she's right. about everything.

i love him but it hurts so much... i'm back where i started. lost in love.

happy birthday.

people always ask why i am the way i am. why i'm always happy. why i never get upset, why i'm so perky and positive...

do you really wanna know?

well... it's my faith. it's the one thing that has kept me going after everything i've been through.

my solace. my hiding place. my escape.

my passion. my first love. my best friend.

my father. my savior.

only ONE. only HIM.

"one chance to live. one life to give."

my constant burden. i'm a work in progress.

the past few days have been really crazy. i'm leaving Cebu and i'm torn about it plus someone's been leaving nasty comments here.

and now this... red handed. hand in the cookie jar. it just proves that no secret remains a secret.

but instead of getting me down, it actually enlightened me. i was having second thoughts about what i felt. this proved me wrong, smack in the face. the quotes i created before are now out the window.

EROMON NO MORE.

clean slate. no judgments. start over. new leaf.

whatever you wanna call it. we're worth that.

i'm gonna take my chances again. that's what love & life is all about. chances & choices.

I CHOOSE US.

***UPDATE***

June 14

"I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT LOVE CAN MELT THE PAIN AWAY NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS...

NOW I KNOW THAT PAIN CAN ALSO MELT THE LOVE AWAY NO MATTER HOW GREAT IT IS..."

i can only take so much. please stop it.

how can i ever thank you for the time you shared with me and the memories, bloopers, etc.? (not that you had a choice. you were stuck with me! har-har.)

you think you owe me because i taught you. well... that's what you think.

actually, no. i learn more from each new class i handle. from each & everyone of you.

this is me, thanking you. for everything.

the pleasure's always mine. you guys are amazing. if you only see yourselves the way i do then there'd be no stopping you.

i'm always here and i'll always believe in you.

i am the sunshine that i have become because of what you are to me.

you are my everyday angels. i will miss you so much...

Some text messages I've been sending out to my Sun spam list... Does it mean anything??? Not really...  These are just rantings of a sleepless kaliweftie. I'm just really confused right now.  I feel something's wrong or something awful is about to happen... I'm afraid I might let go...

***

I need our conversations. They remind me why I chose you. Less & less of it make me think. Thinking makes me wonder and wondering leaves me empty.

***

We're apart and we survived but somewhere between you being busy & your friends...

You lost me.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I still want to be found.

***

Today... I said I love you, and for the first time, it felt empty. I know it's pointless to stay but there's a part of me that just can't bear to hurt him.

***

I envy people who fall in love easily. It takes forever for me to trust & love & once I'm in, it takes forever for me to let go. Afraid I may never love again.

***

I just realized that loving is not as it seems. You may have been with one person for the longest time and still be uncertain if it's love or not.

***

Before, I didn't think it was possible to just not love someone. Now, I know that it can happen. You wake up & it's not the same. But you still try to save it, so you stay.

***

I've fallen out of love but I don't want to say it out loud coz I might do something w/c I'll regret. I don't have the heart to hurt him, that's a fact, so I'll just wait until he decides to let me go. Knowing how I rationalize everything, maybe I'll brainwash myself into thinking I'm still in love.

There are people that you we meet and just  be with for a couple of hours or days but still become a part of our life and change us in ways we didn't think possible.

You will meet different kinds of people in your lifetime.  Most of them will just be acquaintances, the nod-and-smile-in-the-hall-type, some you share a few decent conversations with, and some become a part of your life by becoming your friends.

Friends. One of the most over-used words around and I hate that it has become that. It should be a revered word and should only be used for people who have that role in your life and not everyone you cross paths with.

You can find a friend in the weirdest places, most unlikely situation or the most unthinkable character but there should be this moment, this experience that binds your souls together that some people lack or just plainly ignore...

If you are friend-ly it means that you don't choose who you acknowledge and you can easily strike a conversation with anyone in a room but it doesn't necessarily mean you are friends with all of them. You are acquainted with everyone. You share your soul with a few.

There are friends that you're always with. The ones you hang out with, you joke and laugh with, who knows how your mind works, what your expressions mean, what your life story is, know your dark little secrets, seen you cry, defended your dignity... You're lucky if you have more than one who is all that put together. Some friends just know some parts that we want them to know but it doesn't mean they're less of a friend. Your friendship may just have not gotten to that level yet. But there are also those people you're always with who may not be your friend at all. (*wink* I'm glad I don't have that)

And of course, there are those that you rarely see or hang out with but are the ones you can spill your guts out to and know everything about you. You may have known them for a few days or a few years but it doesn't matter for friendship knows no time. There are people I've met who are deeply attached to me even after one conversation! People you can talk to about everything even if you've only met them... I'm sure you have one like that too.

Why the drama?

It's because I'm leaving. I'm re-evaluating my life here in Cebu. The people I'm gonna leave behind who mean so much to me and have become a part of my life and of who I am. Who will always be a part of me, I guess.

I wanna make sure that I take a mental snapshot of all of them. So I can take it with me when I go back. So I have memories to make me smile while I adjust again and keep the pain to a level I can handle.

Ugh. Enough.

Then there are those whom you haven't really shared anything at all with yet but you're drawn to them and you know deep inside that if you were given the chance you'd be able to connect with that person too.

Your soul just knows, I guess. Isn't that what friendship is? One soul in different bodies? :-)

it's almost 7am and i haven't gone home yet. we went to gimik (karaoke place in mango square) and sang our hearts out (i didn't drink... woohoo!) then stayed at this place near my boarding house and talked, talked, talked!

our topics were crazy. from what we used to do when we were kids to our first torrid kiss to sexcapades! we-ell... what can i expect if you put isha, frankee & wackow together??? (hehehe... yes, i am innocent.)

i'm dreading these get togethers. sometimes i think maybe i just shouldn't go out anymore. so it would be less painful when i leave.

but on the one hand, why not savor the moment? since i'm leaving anyway, then i should save more of these memories so that i have a lot of mental pictures of my friends, right?

having to leave sucks. i don't want to be sad!!! huhuhuhu.

BTW

did you know that supposedly (according to wackow & chris) a woman's essence smells like a caimito??? i'll never look at that fruit the same way again. hahaha.