Sunday, August 03, 2008

i'm saddened that you have to stoop that low so you can get his attention.
get over him. get over yourself.
like i said before. he was never yours. never will be...
that's just life.
you can't hurt us. no one can.
i'm sorry. it's not going to work.
hope you have a happy life... and may your dreams come true. without him.
God bless, dear. may you really get to know GOD... and may He forgive you.

Posted at 8/3/2008 8:26:10 pm by hiddenteardrop
(1) ang nakialam  

Wednesday, July 30, 2008
September 20

Here I go...

Am I really, REALLY going to do it?

Tie the knot? Say my vows? Hello forever???

I have absolutely no doubts in my heart, soul & mind that I'm supposed to be with him. I love him to the core of my entity. (Ha-ha)


Is this really it? Am I ready for everything in between?

The issues? The reality? The pain & suffering?



We do agree on a lot of things.

We're pretty transparent.

We talk about everything AND at this point in time, we're both loyal & honest.



What's stopping me???

Posted at 7/30/2008 11:21:27 am by hiddenteardrop
(3) ang nakialam  

Seriously Considering...

So... After almost 5 years, it has come down to this.

A tiny little angel has me considering about resignation.

PS. My first job.

Right now, I'm actually only staying because of the team and the job that I do BUT at 6kilos, she now outweighs all 7 full-grown people on my team...

Nothing final yet. Will keep you posted.

Posted at 7/30/2008 11:05:14 am by hiddenteardrop
sige, makialam ka...  

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Text for .50 cents???

How stupid does she think we are???

Hurray! Text costs less! All our problems will be gone!

Come on...


Just venting.

Posted at 7/29/2008 11:51:04 am by hiddenteardrop
sige, makialam ka...  

Friday, July 25, 2008

Do I trust you?

Yes, I do.

After everything that happened between us. After everyone who got involved. After all the pain. All the tears.

I do trust you.

I choose us.

I'm not even counting the chances anymore. I know you are worth each & every tear.

Plus, I know that the joy you bring outweighs all the heart ache I ever had to go through or will go through.

I know you are making an effort to make me happy and I appreciate that. Thank you for being patient with me and for constantly proving how much you love me, though you don't have to do that anymore.

I know. I see. I feel.

I can not wait to spend the rest of my life getting to know you and growing old with you.

This coming from the ultimate cynic herself. I found my love in you.

Only you.

Please be careful with my heart. Hang in there, ok? Walang bibitaw...


Posted at 7/25/2008 11:53:46 am by hiddenteardrop
sige, makialam ka...  

Wednesday, July 09, 2008
The Saddest Email From A Friend

Since you're letting go, I need to tell you everything about:

Why i cannot do Friendship...

Because I wouldn't know how to be your friend when we didn't start as friends.
because every time i'd ask you to do something and you can't, i'd get hurt.
because i still have the same feelings for you after all that we have said and done.
because i cannot be around you and not want to touch you the same way.
because I'd expect more out of that friendship.
because i was happy with what we HAD.
because i might fall in love with you all over again.
because i care about you too much.
because i want you to need me, to want me.
because friendship will give me false hopes about the future
because frienship just means that I can never be your Ms. Right Now or even your Ms. Right.
because when I met you, I started doing the things I never did for my Exs but I still screwed it up.
Because I cannot tell you I love you without ruining the friendship.
because being your friend means I failed to be a girlfriend you can keep forever.
because with you I failed.

Things I never told you...

- Remember the day you decided to tell me that you are in a relationship? We were at that bar with I**.  I knew what you were going to tell me before you said it.  In my mind, I was to get up go to my car and drive away.  I ended up staying.  I ended up kissing you instead and telling you I was staying because i like you too much to let you go.  I stayed because after a really long time of heartache from previous relationships you made me happy.  YOU MADE ME HAPPY.  After the longest time, someone came and made me wake up in a smile and made me feel that I am worth being with.

- The day diddy died you showed me how much you can share yourself with me.  Sobrang na-appreciate ko na you chose to be with me nung time na yon. I saw kung gaano ka ka-willing ibigay ang sarili mo sa relationship but you held back.  Ibig sabihin hindi pa buo ang binibigay mo saken nao-overwhelm ako, sobra akong looking forward sa time na gugustuhin mo nang ibigay ang lahat.. nai-share ang sarili mo sken.

- The day that you returned my stuff we talked about T*****.   You told me how you met her and some bits and pieces of your relationship.  Alam mo nung kinekwento mo yun sa akin you had that look na ibang iba.  Sobrang gustong gusto ko nang umiyak sa harap mo dahil nakita ko kung pano at gaano mo siya kamahal.  You had that look na parang wala ka sa harap ko, na andun ka sa moment na ikinekwento mo. Sa totoo lang, sobrang nafeel ko kung gaano ka pa ka-attached sa kanya. You love her so much it shows.  Winiwish ko nga n asana pag ikinikwento mo ako sa friends mo you also have that look na parang gusto mo andun ako sa tabi mo at that same moment. Sobra mo siyang mahal XX nakakainggit. I saw it.

-  I've started loving you the day I chose to stay.

Things I need answers for...
** You can answer this now or later or a few days, weeks from now. Basta kung pwede lang paki sagot kasi I NEED to know the real deal.

-       Love mo ba ako? Or Ni-love ever na hindi as friend?
-       Niregret mo ba na hindi natin inayos or na sinabi mo sa akin na friends na lang tyo?
-       Ano ba talaga ang mga reason kung bakit ayaw mo na sa akin or you don't want it back?
-       Pag nagging friends ba tayo eh may chance pang maging relationship siya?
-       Bakit mo palaging sinasabi sa akin na you don't deserve me? Hindi ka ba thankful na andito ako ngayon para syo?
-       Sa tingin mo ba pag minahal mo ko sasaktan din kita tulad nilang lahat?


Even if we end up not talking you know I'd always be here. I'd share your pains if no one will listen, I'll sit beside you when you need someone there, I'll help out when you ask.  It doesn't stop here you know. I'm thankful you came around.  I'm here and you should know that all you need to do is ask and I'll be there.  Even if I tell you I cannot be your friend you know I can't stay away.  We shared really great times and that counts as something in my life.  Answer my questions lang and tell me this is the end na talaga of any love-related relationship for now and in the future (kung yon talaga) and I'd end this feeling.  Then we'd start fresh. We'd start over.


Posted at 7/9/2008 11:46:59 am by hiddenteardrop
(2) ang nakialam  

Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Baby Love

It has happened.

The inevitable.

I simply can not get enough of her. I want her all for myself. (Oh, I'll share her only with Tomo)

I am so IN LOVE with my daughter.

Everything she does is magic! Just like the song... Ha-ha.

She's the most adorable thing I've ever laid my eyes on.

One look at her and EVERYTHING disappears.

8 hours of sleep? What's that? Hahaha. And I'm fine with it. As long as she's there. As long as I'm holding her.

I worry about her when I don't see her and I still worry about her when I'm with her and I'm not looking at her! Hehehe.

This really must be love. It's amazing how someone so small, so tiny & so innocent can have such a huge impact in your life...

I'm just so excited.

Sigh. I miss her.

Posted at 7/1/2008 11:28:01 am by hiddenteardrop
sige, makialam ka...  

Sunday, March 30, 2008
huh??? a baby???


When I think back to my childhood, I really never thought that I'd have a FAMILY. I always dreamt of having my own kid but never the whole deal.

But here I am. 25 and something months after, with my own baby & a man I love.

I do not regret doing anything. I wanted all of this to happen. If there was anything that I feel sad about, it's that there are a lot of people who looked up to me and I feel their disappointment. I hope to be able to make it right someday.

Please do not condemn me or my family. I knew everything that I was doing. You can't blame me if I didn't believe in marriage. It's something that I never really held important. I never daydreamed about wedding gowns or flowers or honeymoons, and all that jazz... I wanted a kid. Period.

BUT now... everything's different. I wish somebody talked to me before like how everyone's talking to me now. Your opinion's would have mattered then. It's kind of too late now but of course, it's never too late to do something about the past.

I will marry the man that I love and the father of my child. Because I love him and I want the world to know that I am willing to say FOREVER to him.

Until then.

This is my next stop. Next journey starts on September.

Posted at 3/30/2008 11:37:30 am by hiddenteardrop
sige, makialam ka...  

Wednesday, September 05, 2007
terminal (a short story)

napansin ko sya isang araw nung ako ay pauwi na. sa terminal ng bus sa may buendia. hindi ko alam kung ilang araw na syang nakaupo dun pero naaalala kong nakita ko na sya dun.

maputi na ang kanyang buhok, kahit sa malayo ay alam kong kulubot na ang kanyang balat. nakalugmok sya sa upuan sa tapat ng bilihan ng donuts. hindi gumagalaw. dina-daan-daanan lamang. ni hindi ko alam kung humihinga pa sya.

gusto ko sana syang lapitan. tanungin kung meron syang kelangan ngunit dumating na ang bus na aking sasakyan kaya sumakay na ako... bukas. tutulungan ko sya bukas. mabigyan man lang ng kahit ilang piso para makakain sya. oo, bukas na nga lang.

"mag-iisang linggo na ako dito pero wala man lang lumapit sa akin para tanungin ako kung kailangan ko ng tulong. hindi ako makauwi sa amin... dahil wala na akong uuwian. hindi na ako kailangan ng mga anak ko. wala na akong silbi para sa kanila. kung tratuhin nila ako, parang isang alipin. wala na silang respeto sa akin. kahit ang mga apo ko. wala kahit isang nagmamalasakit sa akin. at dito sa lugar na ito... parang walang nakakakita sa akin. ganito na ba talaga pag matanda ka na? kinakalimutan ka na ng mundo? lalo na ang katulad kong matanda at mahirap. hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ako huling kumain. hindi ko na maramdaman ang gutom. pagod na ako sa buhay ko. mabuti na lang at hindi ako pinapaalis sa kinauupuan ko. akala marahil nila na meron akong hinihintay... mula kabataan ko puro hirap na ang aking napagdaanan. hanggang ngayon, naghihirap pa din ako. gusto ko ng magpahinga."

"manong, ano pong nangyayari?"

"ah... may natagpuang matandang babaeng patay sa terminal."


"ayun o. inatake ata. inaalis pa nila ang katawan... bakit? kilala mo sya?"

"ah, eh... hindi po..."


"anak naman ng tokwa! kung hindi pa nadale tong si lola e hindi malalamang patay na!"

"kawawa naman..."

"p're... ano yang dumi sa mukha nya?"

"luha pare... luha..."

Posted at 9/5/2007 11:08:05 am by hiddenteardrop
(1) ang nakialam  

Tuesday, September 04, 2007
si egay (a short story)

ang pangalan nya ay egay at sa murang edad na walong taon ay alam kong minahal ko sya. nakita ko na ang kinabukasang kong kasama sya. kung ilan ang anak namin. kung anong hitsura ng bahay namin. meron kaming isang sasakyan at naka-uniporme sya tuwing papasok sa trabaho.

nakakatuwang bata si egay. yung egay na nakilala ko noon. malimit kaming maglaro sa labas ng bahay namin. tatakas sya sa bahay nila para lamang makipaglaro ng taguan o takbuhan. depende sa kung ano ang mapagkasunduan. kahit siguradong lalatiguhin na naman sya ng tatay, sige pa din sya. hindi na nadala. minsan nag-alala ako ng magkapasa sya sa likod sa lakas ng hataw ng tatay nya pero ngumiti lang sya at sinabing hindi naman masakit. ang bata nga naman.

naaalala ko nung minsang umuulan at nasa bahay namin sya. ang saya-saya namin. nanood kami ng tv maghapon at doon pa sya kumain sa bahay ko. natulog pa nga kami ng magkatabi kasi nagagalit ang nanay ko pag hindi natutulog ng hapon. hindi daw kami tatangkad. nagbubulungan lang naman kami habang magkatabi. ang dami-dami nyang kwento. tawa kami ng tawa pero pinipigil namin dahil mapapagalitan na naman kami. naaalala ko kung pano sya tumawa. kitang-kita ang gilagid nya dahil bungi-bungi sya at naniningkit ang malaki nyang mata sa saya. sana hindi na natapos ang araw na yon. sana hindi na tumigil ang ulan. sana hindi na kami tumanda. sana hindi na umandar ang lahat ng relo.

hindi ko nakita si egay kinabukasan. naghintay ako ng naghintay na kumatok sya sa gate namin pero walang egay na dumating hanggang sa dumilim na. wala pa ding egay nung sumunod na araw. sinisilip ko ang bahay nya tuwing dadaan ang school bus ko pero parang walang tao sa kanila. natakot akong baka lumipat sila na hindi ko alam kaya tinanong ko ang nanay ko kung alam nya kung nasan si egay. sabi nya, napagalitan noong maghapon syang nangapit-bahay at malamang ayaw na palabasin ng tatay nya. napakasalbahe talaga ng tatay ni egay. galit sya sa mga bata. maingay daw kami. lagi nyang pinapalo at binubugbog si egay sa kahit napaka-simpleng bagay.

ilang araw na hindi lumabas ng bahay si egay. nung makita ko sya ay hindi naman sya lumapit sa akin. pagkakita nya, tumakbo agad sya pabalik sa kanila. bakit naman sya magagalit sa akin? wala naman akong ginagawa sa kanya. nakakaasar talaga si egay.

hindi ko napansing lumilipas na pala ang panahon. sumapit ang kaarawan ko. wala si egay. natapos ang taon. wala pa din si egay. parang isa na lang syang ala-ala. naging abala na ako sa aking pag-aaral at hindi na din ako masyadong naglalaro sa labas dahil wala naman ang aking kalaro.

isang araw, noong ako ay malapit ng magtapos ng high school, may nakita akong sulat sa gate namin na may pangalan ko.

galing kay egay!

"faye, naaalala mo pa ba yung pinag-usapan natin dati? wala na akong ibang mamahalin pa kundi ikaw. kahit anong mangyari, tandaan mo yan. salamat sa lahat kaibigan ko. hindi ko na kaya si papa... aalis na ako. sana magkita tayo ulit pag matanda na tayo. magpapakasal pa din tayo gaya ng pangako natin ha? wag mo kalimutan! ikaw ang kaibigan ko. ikaw ang mahal ko. salamat.


hindi ko maintindihan ang naramdaman ko nang makita ko ang liham na yon. kakaiba ang bumalot sa puso ko. kinabahan ako. hindi pa kaya ni egay na mabuhay mag-isa. bata pa lang kami. buong gabi akong balisa. hindi ako makatulog. nag-aalala ako kung nasaan na ang kaibigan ko at kung ano ang ginagawa nya. baka magaya sya sa mga batang kalye na kung anu-anong bisyo ang natututuhan. hindi ganun ang pangarap ko para sa kanya. ang tagal naman ng umaga.

kinabukasan naramdaman ko agad na may nangyari pag-gising ko pa lamang. namumugto ang mga mata ng nanay ko. niyakap nya ako ng mahigpit at sinabihang tibayan ko ang loob ko. nakadinig ako ng ambulansya sa labas lang ng bahay namin kaya nagtatakang lumabas ako ng bahay. nasa labas ang halos lahat ng kapit-bahay ko. nakapaikot sa may gate ng bahay nila egay. hindi ko napansin pero dinadala na ako ng paa ko sa tapat ng bahay nila. lahat ng madaanan koy napapa-iling at hinahagod ang aking likod. may luha at awa ang mga mata. kinabahan na ako.

papalabas ang mga lalakeng nakaputi ng umabot ako sa harapan ng gate nila egay. nakaupo ang tatay ni egay sa may garahe. nakayuko. mukhang umiiyak. ang nanay naman nyay nakatunganga sa isang sulok habang dahan-dahang inuugoy ang kanyang katawan. may lamang tao ang hawak nilang stretcher. nakita kong may bahid ng dugo ang ibang parte nito. napakadaming bagay ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. nanlalamig ang pakiramdam ko. umiikot ang paligid ko. alam ko... alam ko...

walong taon kami non. nasa taas ng puno ng mangga dahil nakawala na naman ang aso nila aling mina na nangangain ng bata. tinanong ako ni egay kung papayag ako na sya ang maging asawa ko. sabi ko oo. ngumiti sya. kita ang gilagid. sabi nya pag nagka-anak kami, hindi nya sasaktan kahit gano kakulit dahil ganun talaga ang mga bata. hindi daw nya gagayahin ang tatay nya. sandali syang natahimik pagkatapos nakipag-unahan na syang bumaba ng puno. madugas talaga si egay.

madugas pa din sya hanggang ngayon. iniwan nya ako. hindi nya tinupad ang pangako nya. sumuko sya. nagpatalo sya. hindi sya lumaban. wala na ang pangarap naming bahay. wala na si egay. iniwan na ako ng pinakauna kong minahal.

Posted at 9/4/2007 11:07:34 am by hiddenteardrop
sige, makialam ka...  

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Kaalamang Kaliwete Kaaliw:

> kasalukuyang nasa Cebu ngunit babalik na sa Laguna
> iniluwal noong agosto 26, 1982
> menopausal baby so borderline retard... hehehe
> tatay niya ex-con (wag mag-alala. tigok na s'ya)
> di kumakain ng bawang, sibuyas, luya, popcorn, halo-halo, spaghetti
> humaling na humaling sa mga tala at buwan
> isang hikain
> mabubuhay sa kahit anong klase ng pansit o noodle at siomai!


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